Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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