now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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