I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits