Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.