im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Randomize