he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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