good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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