Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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