break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
