i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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