Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
