Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just pee around me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
