Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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