i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
