I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
