she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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