I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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