god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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