I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
