Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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