I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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