There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
