You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
