rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Buhtt sex?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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