Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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