yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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