you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
