he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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