When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
