Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
