i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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