you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
