youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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