Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
