I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
