I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
