I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
