my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
