He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
