are you still at the devil's house?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
