It's Friday. Sex?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
