Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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