I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
