Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
that is very illegal...i love you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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