so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize