just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
barbara walters just said penis...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
