You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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