My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
