you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
