sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
