U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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