I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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