I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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