Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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