I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
too bad you live with your parents still
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You brought string cheese to the strip club
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
