saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
