he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
