She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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